Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
