Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
