go do what you do best...puke behind churches
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
