I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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