Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
