It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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