Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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