Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
