"it" just moved
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
