I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Found the puke drawer
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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