You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
