yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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