she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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