I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
