I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
