why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Randomize
