if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize