I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
