she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
