i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
