I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
high people should be assigned attendants
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
