im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
