Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
