Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
