Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
