I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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