I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
