Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Randomize