If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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