Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
