U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
