You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
