There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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