I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
