If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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