update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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