i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
