she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
