what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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