I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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