Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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