Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
