I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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