My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
