Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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