I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
