Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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