Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
How does one acquire holy water?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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