Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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