When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
tell me about the fingering
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize