K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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