I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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