i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
