Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
