Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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