I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
