dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
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