Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
