Even the bartender felt bad for me
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
