i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
