I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
