apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
